


Please Save This Man

by PrinceofFlowers



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Maybe more characters later, McCree loves it, Multi, This is basically just shenanigans, because I hate him but also I love him, of p much a shameless self insert trolling the fuck out of Hanzo, short shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 16:11:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8585155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceofFlowers/pseuds/PrinceofFlowers
Summary: The newest member of Overwatch is quite the oddity, and his favorite past time seems to be saying the strangest shit he can come up with to completely baffle Hanzo.





	1. Cows Are the Silent Jury in the Trial for Mankind

**Author's Note:**

> Time to shitpost.  
> Whoop!

Granted, Overwatch was full of oddities, but this new member...

He was the strangest man Hanzo had met so far.

McCree got a kick out of him, though.

Especially when he decided to say especially weird shit to Hanzo.

Once, the two somehow got into a...somewhat aggressive conversation about cows and their relationship to dragons.

"How can mere cattle be comparable to dragons?" Hanzo asked, voice somewhat raised, scowl on his face.

"Well, cows are also powerful, too."

"How?!"

Then, in the most serious, sincere manner possible, the man answered, "Cows are the silent jury in the trial for mankind."

And Jesse fucking lost it.

Jesse doubled over with laughter, clutching his stomach as Hanzo just stared at the man, completely baffled and not knowing how he should react.

And still, the man looked completely serious, not breaking his poker face for a second, but his eyes were closed, as if thoughtful, when really it was to hide the mirth in his eyes.

He then walked away, leaving Hanzo to just think about what just happened while Jesse was literally crying as he wheezed out laughter.


	2. Victorian Hippo Dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damn Finny.  
> There u go.  
> Wrecking Hanzo's shit and making McCree laugh until he cries.

Jesse couldn't help but grin as Hanzo basically ranted about how ridiculous the newest member was.

"He is ridiculous! I cannot understand him in any way! Look! Look at what he sent me!" Hanzo ranted, pointing at the last few messages in his phone.

It was two pictures.

One of a triangle with four points, each having "Training, Social Life, Enough Sleep", and another of what looked like a hippo and a woman in Victorian attire dancing.

And the messages read, "How people think it's like vs how it really is."

And Jesse snorted, before laughing, handing the phone back to Hanzo so he could clutch at his stomach.

"Jesse, it is not funny! What does that even mean?!" Hanzo shouted, flustered.

"Well, darlin'." Jesse began through his dying laughter. "It means exactly as it looks."

"That explains nothing!"

"Well, people think life is splittin' yer time amongst trainin', sleep, and social life, when it's really just Victorian style dancing with hippos." Jesse explained, wiping a tear away.

"That still makes no sense!" 

"That's the point, darlin'!"

"You are both ridiculous!" 

And with that, Hanzo stalked off, back to his own room, Jesse calling out to him in between laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I'll make a chapter where Hanzo is the one laughing.


	3. Happy Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blame one of my friends for sending this shit to me.
> 
> AO3 doesn't like the text omg.
> 
> That's probably for the best tho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey you 

It was apparently Thanksgiving, which Finn described as a holiday that basically celebrates genocide, and gave a quick history lesson on it as he baked cookies.

For aforementioned holiday.

Because apparently Overwatch decided to have a feast for it.

Rather odd, but Jesse stated that this was basically just an excuse to eat a lot.

A pre-dinner to Christmas dinner, one could say.

But that wasn't what had Hanzo baffled and somewhat disturbed.

No, it was the text message Finn had sent him.

"Finn, what the fuck?" Hanzo couldn't help but ask.

Finn just cackled in response.

A few seconds later, Jesse erupted into laughter and actually fell out of his chair.

Hanzo just stood there, wondering why the fuck he knew these two men.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Turkey and Genocide day!


	4. Finn Gets Rekt by McHanzo Snoring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off of me getting no sleep from the combined snoring of my family.  
> Someone please save me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No proofreading we die like men.

Taking trips without enough money to get separate rooms or at least a room with three beds was a fucking mess.

Especially if the room you get has two beds and you have three people.

And two of said people are absolute nightmares to bunk with.

And you lost rock-paper-scissors twice, so you had to share a bed with one of them.

Finn was looking rough after two nights of horrible rest, looking about as dead as he felt inside.

Meanwhile, both Hanzo and McCree were bickering about how the other snores.

"It's obviously you! Your snoring wakes me up every night!" Hanzo shouted.

"That ain't me. Yer the one who's snorin' up a storm!" McCree fired back.

On and on they went, Finn looking more and more done, until he finally snapped.

"Hanzo! You kick in your sleep and drool! McCree! You latch on like a child to a stuffed bear! Also? You BOTH snore! I got maybe three hours of sleep these past two nights because you're both equally loud!" Finn shouted, bloodshot eyes cutting into both men as he pointed to each angrily.

The two were stunned into silence, Hanzo turning a bit red in embarrassment.

"Now then. Next night? I get a bed to myself, and you two and snore and cling and kick each other all night long. Got it?" Finn bit out, looking frazzled and almost crazed.

The two men murmured softy in agreement, not really willing to test this sleep depraved man any further.

"Good." Finn growled. 

That night was filled with as much snoring as the others, but at the very least, Finn could comfortably sleep on his own, undisturbed by Hanzo kicking him or McCree literally on top of him and snoring in his ear.

It seemed to turn out well enough, since McCree had Hanzo in a vice grip, preventing him from moving around too much, ad somehow they both managed to sleep through their snores.

Even so, they couldn't return to base sooner, in Finn's opinion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now Finn is the Man who needs Saving. Hanzo finally gets his revenge. Sorta.


End file.
